Letter to Everyone

Guys, I'm fucking tired.

Sometimes I remember that every single day is a battle between depression and happiness. I know the happiness is there and is absolutely possible to feel - but I am naturally predisposed to be somewhat depressed. In general. This is easy to avoid when things are going okay, and when they're bad it's so very destructive.

I feel like this year has sucked the life out of me. I feel like I've been lending a shoulder, giving advice, support, love to everyone, constantly. I feel like I have done nothing but work my ass off... and did well at that, even. So working my ass off non-stop and pouring out what everyone else needs from my fucking deepest part of my soul and now it's December and no one will fucking return my phone call and I feel like shit. All I have done for all of you is help you, and ask so little in return.

I will be one of the best friends you will ever have if you let me. I will never do anything terrible or vicious to you. I love to laugh, have fun, I love to be a cynical, peaceful, instigating opinionated techno-hippie that I am. I am loyal, supportive, generous, giving. I have been left by several "best friends" over money, love, and so many things beyond my control. By others selfishness and misunderstanding. I am lucky to have married my best friend, because I keep getting used and thrown out into the garbage by everyone else.

I love my friends but... I am so fucking exhausted. I feel so used, so ignored, so taken advantage of right now. How many times can I feel like this in my lifetime? This year? This month?

Maybe it's time for me to be selfish. Have to heal first, cause I'm fucked up too. Everyone else has had all these intense problems and I've just kept my mouth shut. No one wants to hear mine. Feels like coming out of the desert after Burning Man and being able to reach no one to let us just take a shower in their room since our plans were totally fucked 3 days before we were supposed to leave. Feels like that helplessness as you're wondering how many times you have to call these people that supposedly love you before they care to pick up or write back?

Fuck me. I'm done.