Letter to Everyone

Guys, I'm fucking tired.

Sometimes I remember that every single day is a battle between depression and happiness. I know the happiness is there and is absolutely possible to feel - but I am naturally predisposed to be somewhat depressed. In general. This is easy to avoid when things are going okay, and when they're bad it's so very destructive.

I feel like this year has sucked the life out of me. I feel like I've been lending a shoulder, giving advice, support, love to everyone, constantly. I feel like I have done nothing but work my ass off... and did well at that, even. So working my ass off non-stop and pouring out what everyone else needs from my fucking deepest part of my soul and now it's December and no one will fucking return my phone call and I feel like shit. All I have done for all of you is help you, and ask so little in return.

I will be one of the best friends you will ever have if you let me. I will never do anything terrible or vicious to you. I love to laugh, have fun, I love to be a cynical, peaceful, instigating opinionated techno-hippie that I am. I am loyal, supportive, generous, giving. I have been left by several "best friends" over money, love, and so many things beyond my control. By others selfishness and misunderstanding. I am lucky to have married my best friend, because I keep getting used and thrown out into the garbage by everyone else.

I love my friends but... I am so fucking exhausted. I feel so used, so ignored, so taken advantage of right now. How many times can I feel like this in my lifetime? This year? This month?

Maybe it's time for me to be selfish. Have to heal first, cause I'm fucked up too. Everyone else has had all these intense problems and I've just kept my mouth shut. No one wants to hear mine. Feels like coming out of the desert after Burning Man and being able to reach no one to let us just take a shower in their room since our plans were totally fucked 3 days before we were supposed to leave. Feels like that helplessness as you're wondering how many times you have to call these people that supposedly love you before they care to pick up or write back?

Fuck me. I'm done.

Sumluv & hummingbirds

After 7 days in the desert, I can say this with certainty...

Welcome to the (first day of the) rest of your life.

Did we beat it? I hope to god we did.

She is lying to you, can't you see?

You have GOT to be kidding me.

Selfish tendencies

I had better be able to fix this. Just trying to help someone out with a good product and someone else with extra work, yet the bill was not what they originally quoted. Thanks, cause now I look like the asshole. I know you have your own big world messy ass problems right now, but the last thing that I want to do is make myself look bad cause you a) either can't recall what you originally said it would cost or b) decided to raise the price and do the work without letting anyone know. Let's pray it's the former, because otherwise you're going to have one more person officially mad at you. Thanks.

Way to screw up my job.

The power of Free Will

Cancer Horoscope for week of January 19, 2012


If you were a medieval knight going into battle with a full suit of armor, the advantage you had from the metal's protection was offset by the extra energy it took to haul around so much extra weight. In fact, historians say this is one reason that a modest force of English soldiers defeated a much larger French army at the Battle of Agincourt in 1415. The Frenchmen's armor was much bulkier, and by the time they slogged through muddy fields to reach their enemy, they were too tired to fight at peak intensity. The moral of the story, as far as you're concerned: To win a great victory in the coming weeks, shed as many of your defense mechanisms and as much of your emotional baggage as possible.


(From Free Will Astrology by Rob Brezsney)

Oh, winter...

2012 has already come with a few unpleasant changes.

We're all struggling with our own shit. I know, trust me. Entering into this year with both my dance troupes nearly (if not temporarily) dissolving was not a good feeling. As of right now, Lux Arati is minus yet another person and The Penny Treats are, at the moment, taking an extended break. Standstill is a good word.

My house is a mess, leftover from the recently departed holiday season, and I still have presents to finish making and send off/give away. It's cold as balls outside, and I slept for 12+ hours last night (post NYE recovery after going straight back into working on the 2nd.) My dear friend is gone, for the time being, "getting better" and I don't really know what to think.

Do I hit the ground running, start deep-cleaning my abode to help make myself feel better about life? Do I watch TV and smoke pot all day, allowing myself to "relax"? Do I forget the mess, get some coffee (solo cause I can't find anyone to hang out with me) and finish up my crafts so I can at least send a belated Xmas box to my family in Florida?? Do I clean up enough to watch and work out to my new DVDs, letting the natural endorphins from exercise and movement make my brain feel better...? Or will I sit on the computer for an indefinite amount of time, fucking around, trying to distract myself from this terrible winter, this cold-weather depression, this dark cloud looming over what was supposed to feel like a much better year ahead?

I don't have a good solution or answer at the moment. I don't really have a plan, either, except to make tomorrow a better day. I like working, it distracts me and gets me out of the house, forcing my day to start at dawn even though I never ever want to get out of my warm bed into a freezing house while it's still dark out.

I don't know what this new year will bring, but I pray it gets better.