my sister

(watching this stupid reality show out of boredom before i go to bed at 9:30 on a friday night because someones relative died at work and i no longer have the weekend off and this woman in the show could be my sister in 5 years and it makes me so sad that i see her future so painfully clear. god help us. her. )

Friday nights can go F*&% themselves.

For some reason, Friday nights have become the loneliest night of the week for me. My husband works, I usually have to wake up at the crack of dawn for work on Saturday mornings, and everyone I know seems to be doing something else, something better. It's just another night, and I know I've already had enough fun in my life for 3 people, but something about the expectations of the weekend and my tendency toward hermitude makes it seem like I'm missing something. Oh well. Friday nights can go fuck themselves.

Cheers!

Pain Management

Mad at this body, that I ignored for so long - now I want it to perform for me and it doesn't want to. I've only been dabbling in this for 3 or 4 years and I'm less than that away from 30, and the more I work it the more pain I experience.

Or maybe I'm just noticing it now and I've been hurting it the whole time.

Some things I guess I need to remember

Here are a few tips that will help you to feel proud of you:

If self-doubt creeps in, recall your proudest moments

Have faith in yourself and trust your feelings

Use your intuition when your thoughts are scrambled

Use self awareness to identify your passions

Be persistent in your desire to improve your life

Ask questions of those who you trust and respect

Always make sure your attire represents the proudest version of you

Perhaps the last one, about attire, wasn't necessarily meant for someone like me (with dreadlocks and piercings and tattoos) - but I will choose to interpret it as making sure I feel good about the way I look, which I try to do anyway, generally. (As exhibited by my stress in choosing an outfit for last night - where everyone else seemed to be "dressed to unimpress", as someone else put it - very casual and non-typical of a PEX musical event.)

Especially since I feel like I have been falling down the rabbit hole of low self-esteem lately (dear god, help me) I need all the positive reinforcement I can muster.

No good.

Okay. I'm feeling extremely out of touch with everyone and everything, and it sucks. Maybe it's my fault, but what can I do? So sorry I couldn't party for the past month with everyone. I'm dealing with my own shit, serious shit, and maybe I haven't been the best friend/family member/acquaintance/partner/person. Right now I'm ready to get back into the groove, back into the things that make me happy, because I need it really bad right now. If you don't have time for me, then you can go screw yourself.

This blog has most certainly been more whiny, bitchy and depressing as of late. Well, that's life. Enjoy.

A letter to the collective unconscious

Dear Universe,

Things haven't been so smooth, lately. I know life throws a few curve balls once in awhile, to keep us on our toes - I know I was overdue. It had been years since my last desperate tragedy, and here I am thinking I'm an adult cause I'm all married and ... oh right, everything else is exactly the same except that one little indication that I'm no longer an irresponsible kid, nevermind. I still have no money, I still have only an undergraduate degree (in art, for fucks sake) and no kids of my own to take care of, thank GOD.

So, is this your way of reminding me that I still need to grow up? Turn 28, realize I work at a coffee shop (again) and I have no money to do anything fun (and can still barely pay my bills - my fault, I know, for quitting my desk job where I made tons of money and was miserable.) So you coordinate both my and my husbands cars kicking the bucket at the same time, to remind me I need to do more with my life? Is that it?

(...DOESN'T ANYONE WANT TO BUY A FUCKING PAINTING?)

(Oh right, you do, but you can't afford to spend that much on ART. Plane tickets, clothing, the newest iPhone, 1/4 of your monthly rent, your electricity bill, a weekend at a festival...)

On top of that, I feel so out of the loop with most of my friends that I'm reminded of high school social drama - that same feeling that rises up in your throat, where you fear that you're actually not worth two shits and no one cares if you're hanging out with them or not, you may as well not even exist - and it all seems to stem down to not having enough money or time. How do the rest of you people do it? Aren't you hurting, suffering just like us? Or do you have it all figured out...

Universe, I'm trying - I'm trying as hard as I can. Please help me out a bit, now, take the reins,
show me the way. I'll learn, I'll do better next time, I'll survive it and be stronger and better and faster than I was the day before. Otherwise, if that's how it's gonna be - no wonder we seek to lose ourselves in the mundane and the temporary. There's too much out there, it's too monotonous, it's too heavy.

My lids grow heavy, Universe, and I have much to do. I'm working on things, trying to, to better my creative endeavors. At the end of the day, I'll never stop doing that, it's the least I owe myself. Do what you love.

First poem I've written in 10 years.

Drowning my sorrows in a glass.
This too, shall surely pass.
Though I cannot see
days past this night
I pray that soon
I'll find the light.

Seems I've made my bed in the field I've lain
Let the flowers put me to sleep again
Distant memories, days
back when I was strong
And many years
I proved them wrong

What I seem, I'm not, truth is I am weak
I've succumbed to flaws I dare not speak
My shame burns scarlet, red and hot
My eyes clear bright, blue with tiny black dots
Somehow, I swear, I'll make it past
Please don't judge me, this time's the last.